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It wasn’t until he was 18 months old that we turned our minds to having another baby – a brother or sister was in order. We made our way back to the hospital where our little boy, Hugo, was born early the next morning at 34 weeks gestation (6 weeks early). As we made our way home from the antenatal ward, we bought a couple of babygrows – just in case! That evening my waters broke just as I was getting ready for bed. We headed to hospital, where they could find no reason for the bleed. As the 3rd trimester progressed I started to relax (just a little) when I woke one morning to find that I had bled heavily overnight. The pregnancy continued to progress well, despite my anxiety that remained a feature of the 2nd trimester. At 12 weeks we had a reassuring ultrasound scan, told our family and friends and I felt special. At 11 weeks gestation we heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. However, despite our anxieties, the pregnancy continued. Another positive pregnancy test, and, was it me, or was the blue line a little stronger this time? My partner and I peered sceptically at the test stick – what did this mean? We had stopped associating a positive pregnancy test with the joy that we felt ‘should’ accompany this moment. Two months later, I became pregnant for the 3rd time. The pregnancy must have been just 5 or 6 weeks gestation. I waited a little while to do a test (nerves) which confirmed what I suspected – I was pregnant. It was a year later that I became pregnant again. Even though I knew women miscarried sometimes, I had naïvely never really considered that it might happen to me. I remember passing our tiny embryo in the bathroom of our flat. I knew I wanted to be a mum, I wanted to have a baby and now I was pregnant – how exciting! However, a few weeks after this discovery, and just as my partner was getting used to the idea, I started to bleed. When I became pregnant for the first time, I was nervous (this pregnancy was not exactly planned, although equally, not reliably prevented) but quietly delighted. Let me tell you a little about pregnancy loss and me… It is something you live with and grow from. Indeed, it is now more recognised that baby loss is not something you heal from. In my experience, the impact is usually profound and lasts far longer than the time traditionally regarded as ‘long enough to heal’. As a midwife, health visitor and friend I have spoken to many women who have experienced the loss of a baby, sometimes multiple losses.
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One in four women experience loss of a baby in some form – miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death.